There's a shadow hanging over me | on PMS and PMDS.

“… The seven, sometimes ten, days leading up to the grand finale when my period has that, very literal, kick off right in my uterus. During these days my chest is a nest housing a little lump of anxiety. Metaphor wise, it is like being visited by a demon for some time each month. One that transforms you into a hunch of inflammable sadness and the world around to a sizzling minefield.”

On living and dealing with PMS…

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The turtle neck and dropping out of University.

I dropped out of University.

That is the easy way of saying it; the brief story of what happened; but to make a short story long, this post is a few pennies for my thoughts about it. 

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To wander down the road of metaphors – to me, university has been very much like trying to fit into a really tight turtle neck.

Sure, it is a shirt that would be great to have in your closet, but no matter how you try to squeeze through it, it just does not feel right. It doesn't fit right, it is not the right size, but everyone else looks freakin fly in their turtle necks so you think you should have one too.

Okay, taking that turtle neck thing a bit too far now are we?

Metaphors aside, what I want in my life is to be happy. University was not making me happy.

It is a fairly simple equation, when you look at it like that, right? If something is making you unhappy, you should remove that factor from your life.

But it has not been a very straight forward decision. Particularly coming from a background of being an A student, part of my identity has always been “eager to learn”, I have always loved school in that sense. And it is not that I have not enjoyed my subjects – they have all been great, but yet I struggle to find purpose with it – and I cannot help but to think that this is not my true calling this time around.

I think I have known for a very long time what I needed to do, which decision that felt right. The thought of another four years of chasing deadline after deadline, being committed to only one place – it gives me the creeps. Still, dropping out is not an easy decision. You kind of wish someone would just make the decision for you “do this, don’t do that” and thus, find a scapegoat if all goes to shite.

I guess going from working 60+hrs a week straight into moving to a new town and starting studies was not the ideal prerequisites for a successful start to uni life. What it came down to is when I finally had time to breath, as the second terms reading week started, I cried inconsolably and uncontrollably for 10 days straight – before I decided to fly back home to Sweden.

Now, in the aftermaths, I feel very content with my decision to leave. Perhaps I will resume my studies at a later stage, bur for right now I have no aspiration to do so. I started to work in a coffee shop again, and so far, I am really enjoying myself and how I do my hours and then get to spend my spare time not drowning in anxiety and assignments. Right now I am all Christopher McCandless.

FIRST AID/CALMEZ-VOUS

I definitely have tendencies towards a rather troublesome mind (makes me immediately think of this song) but I have a few tricks that really helps and that I will share with you down below. Today I have had a particularly relaxed day,  ticking four boxes from the list! √


Write it out.
Writing journals since '99 (or whenever I learnt to write). Especially when I have trouble sleeping, I will write down whatever is on my mind and as the thoughts are safe in the ink, they ease from my mind.

Bookshops.
My best window-shopping. Stroke along the covers, smell the books, read the synopsis. Dream of one to bring home.

Organize things alphabetically.
Mild OCD-warning on this perhaps.

Chamomile tea.
Enjoying a cuppa as we speak. Chamomile helps to aid insomnia, along with a range of other ailments.

A busy kitchen.
Ironically, the more pots and pans in motion, the calmer I get.

Valerian.
My boyfriend stocks up on these whenever he cans, as they aid sleep. They also aid mild anxiety. I have started to take them too, for that reason. At first I really disliked the smell, but it starts to grow on me.

Put on loud music and sing/dance along. Pretty self-explanatory. 

A walk on the wild side.
Nature!!! <3456789 A hike in the forest or watching the waves crash against the shore. What else do you need in this life?

Head out on the highway.
Looking for adventure. In whatever comes... Just kidding, but I do LOVE to drive. I find it extremely therapeutic. Loud music. Friends or solo. Miles of asphalt road ahead.

Breathe.
I am no natural deep breather, so focusing on my inhalations really helps to calm me down.


⇒ What are your best ways to calm down?

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